“Asking the proper question is the central action of transformation- in fairy tales, in analysis, and in individuation. The key question causes germination of consciousness. The properly shaped question always emanates from an essential curiosity about what stands behind. Questions are the keys that cause the secret doors of the psyche to swing open.”
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype
The right questions are catalyst in deepening our understanding of ourselves and our current context.
The question “why” moves us to the core of ourselves , our lives and our choices. As humans we often tend to swirl in our detailed drama and the “why” question when asked in a grounded way within specific context, activates this process of channeling and funneling vital information that leads to awareness and enlightenment – we start seeing, hearing, and feeling the “why” behind our “what”.
Fundamentally, the “why” question leads us to our intent, our values, to that which matters most to us yet we are mostly unaware of and unconscious to.
The “how” question is about gathering vital information about strategy, about energy investment to making things happen whether consciously and/or unconsciously. The “how” question is about personal power.
The “why” and “how” questions are important and necessary but there are instances when these questions will do more harm than good; will drain rather than energize and will deepen the trench of drama rather than usher healing.
One specific example is “ending of a relationship”, romantic partnership, dating or regardless of how you will term what you shared with the significant other.
Sisters, when this relationship comes to an end, whether you saw or you did not see or whether you tapped into or you did not tap into the signs and symptomatic resonance of shifts and change, the blow can be huge and hard.
I hear you. I hear you loud.
Past the denial, the anger, the rejection and the attempts to make it back, we dive into the “why” and “how”.
Why did he do that?
How is he able to live without thinking of me and my pains?
Why did he not think of me and us?
Why did he break his promises?
How could he?
Why did he?
No matter how much digging we do, asking the same questions over and over again, none of what will show up as answers to us through that person or our entourage will quench our madness for long enough until we step into the questioning cycle again.
Why is this so?
When in pain, we tend to make sense of “why has this happened?” and we work from our inner systems (beliefs, agreements, narratives, values, perceptions, identities and much more) and our system is neither the reality of this world nor the other person.
We navigate life with our map, our beliefs, our filters, our memories (which get reconstructed over and over again), our trauma, our narratives and much more.
Our sense of reality is not reality per se. Our sense of others is not what others are.
How do we navigate through while setting aside the “why” and the “how”?
Begin with self
Acknowledgement of what has happened for me
What is showing up for me? (in terms of feelings, emotions, narratives)
What is my immediate need?
How can I support myself in meeting that need?
What internal and external resources do I need?
Can I do this on my own?
Reach out and seek support
Know that to be supported is to receive and give love
Know that belongingness begins with this innate quality of opening to receive and give love without questioning the bargain in return
May we be reminded that People do what they do
None of what people do has much to do with us
None of what we do has much to be with others
This is hard to digest
This is hard to accept
Behind our actions, there are needs seeking to be met, gaps to be filled
And we do our dance more than often unintentionally
Unless we start moving, being, feeling, breathing and doing intentionally, we will keep resisting changes
Endings are not easy
Endings bring to surface grief
This world cringes at the face of grief
There is sacredness in griefing endings, in griefing those unmet dreams, broken promises.
And as we walk through the grief, the call is to keep the heart open to grow, to learn, to shift, and to glow within this discomfort.
May we be humbled through life
Love from my heart to yours
Image source: @Ducan Sanchez @Unsplash Post © Megha Venketasamy, 2020. All rights reserved.
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