|These words are an invitation to pause, to receive, to allow oneself to be touched and to be informed. The pronouns used are not limited to anyone’s personal use of pronouns, an invitation to move beyond the personal pronouns used.|

 

When a child takes side next to one of his/her parents, the child out of the bestest intention has decided who is wrong and who is right.

When a child does this, that child starts a journey where he/she ongoingly will outwardsly negate and eject the other parent.

I took my mother’s side as early as I can remember. Witness to the chaotic and violent relating of my parents, early on, in the purest of love and intention, I decided that my mother, the victim was the right one and my father was the wrong one.

 

Ask any child, they will say that early on, it became unbearable for them to see their parents suffer. A both conscious and unconscious movement happens inside us, that takes us next to the parent being victimized and in so doing, we shun away the parent we have identified as the perpetrator.

 

What we shun away, especially parents, we then become blind to. When we shun away parents, we shun away an important part of ourselves, we shun away half of us. What we shun away is what we will spend a life looking for, aching for and longing for.

 

I have spent years looking for me, never understanding that in the purest of love and bestest of intention and also as an act of survival, I have decided early on to side by my mother and shun away my father.

 

Maybe these words resonate with you. Maybe early, you have been torn between your parents, and you took on a role that was never yours that of siding, deciding and judging wrongness and rightness.

 

While I say this, I do not condone acts of violence. I am not even speaking of forgiving. There are greater dynamics at play and I believe that is up to us, adults to take ownership of our actions and bear the consequences of our actions.

 

Through the systemic lenses and the work of systemic family constellation, the unseen comes to light, the unconscious patterns show up. One of the basic needs of any child is belonging and belonging ensures survival. As a child, I understood this, you understand this and so will all children yet to come. My survival as a child depends on my belonging to my parents. Any child is symbiotically connected to the mother and for the mother, we will give up much, for the mother we will take on much.

 

If you have reached so far, I invite you to pause and breathe along me.

 

Maybe these words evoke untouched memories in you, let them rise, knowing that there is no need to indulge and least analyze it all.

 

We side by one of our parents not only in instances of chaos and violence. We side by the parent that we identify as weak and in need of protection. We also side by the parent that we identify as worthy and intelligent and capable. We side by one of our parents because we have been explicitly asked to. There is much more to all of this.

 

What happens when we took side?

We shut down half of us. This is one the greatest act of self-violence. Biologically, energetically, systemically, it took two to conceive “one” and shutting one half is closing off the valves of vital lifeforce, creativity, abundance, gifts and so much more. Then, we spend our life looking for something that is missing. The missing is the other half of us, one of our parents. We spend our life looking for that something in people around us, in relationships, through addictive behaviors, through power and so much more.

 

We rarely says to our child that “both your father/mother and I , are equally important. You carry us both inside. We are both equally worthy. Regardless, of our relationship dynamics, it is only up to us to find our way through, we are adults and you are our child.”

 

Take some time and imagine your parents saying these words to you

“Our relationship dynamics is only up to us to figure out, we are adults and you are our beloved child. You belong with us both and we both belong with you.”

 

On this journey of wholeness, I am learning that my wholeness rests in taking in fully my parents beyond the cognitive ideas of wrongness and rightness. My sense of life and purpose recalibrates with this movement, a lifelong movement. A movement that cannot be rushed through. A constant reminder that life came to me at the price that it costs my parents to birth me. There is nothing greater than this on earth.

 

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,

there is a field. I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,

the world is too full to talk about.

Ideas, language, even the phrase ‘each other’

doesn’t make any sense.”

~ Jalawudin Rumi, Out Beyond Ideas

 

Take great care of yourself. Lavish yourself with kindness

Stay rooted in the company of each other

 

Love from my heart to yours

Love from my body to yours

Love from my nervous system to yours

Love from my womb to you

 

#MeghaVenketasamy #Coach #CircleFacilitator #SystemicFamilyConstellation

 

Post © Megha Venketasamy, 2022. All rights reserved.

Creative Work © Megha Venketasamy,

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