|I WANT HIM/HER BACK|

November 16, 2021 Megha Venketasamy

|These words are an invitation for you, me and us. These words do not stand as absolute. It is up to each one of us to find what resonate as truth within us.|

I often hear this phrase when clients show up and it’s connected to a relationship that has ended.

“Wanting to be back with the other or wanting the other back.”

However, whatever, whyever we mean, define, see, hear and feel when we utter this phrase “I want him/her back”, there are few important things to bring to light.

The end of a relationship brings forth an opening that oozes vulnerability and it is an uneasy space to be in and to dwell in.

The shared love, the bonding, the relating, the sense of familiarity, the dreams, the plans and so much more come to an end, often smoothly, often abruptly, for either both or one of the partners did not see, hear and feel the signs of the dynamics in operations.

Ending is symbolically, cognitively, energetically, humanly, emotionally and mentally connected to the energy of death.

Death is a process preceded by a phase of decline. There are times when no signs of life emerges from the death phase, a prolonged if not a definite “putting to rest” echoes. This applies equally to relationship.

There are struggles to move into acceptance of the end of this relationship and these struggles are part and parcel of growing and expanding and coming to rest. Through these struggles, we are offered possibilities to move beyond our old ways of being, doing, our habits, patterns and dynamics.

Whenever I hear women say “I want him/her back”, I listen in curiosity and I wonder about the dynamics. I invite you, me and us to this curiosity and wonder along.

“When a relationship ends, we are in truth speaking of an ending of dynamics in operation between two persons. Dynamics that are unseen, yet experienced, felt and heard. When one person withdraws from this relationship, the other is no more met through the old dynamics, no matter how healthy or toxic we may label these dynamics as.

For examples:

I give you all, in so doing, I ensure that you stay close to me, for my fear of being abandoned is secured through this process.

I answer to the call of your needs, for through my giving, I relate to you and hence, I ensure you stay close.

You fight and I dim myself.

I check on you at least 10 times a day and so forth.

This list is endless.

Relationships trigger our unmet, unseen, yet-to-embrace trauma, attachment wounds and so much more. In most cases when the relationship comes to an end , it opens the doors to unmet, unseen, yet-to-embrace trauma, attachment wounds and so much more. The depth of vulnerability is intense. Most of us are unable to hold space for this intensity, for this tenderness, for this aching, for the tears and pains of a younger version of us now visible to us.

So when we run to say “I want him/her back”, we are often attempting to ease this aching, this tenderness away. We are attempting. It is human to attempt.

In most cases, love is not leading when we say “I want him/her back” but rather we are attempting to meet and to be met again through the old dynamics. The old dynamics have broken free, and if we dare stay with the tenderness and aching long enough, they reveal themselves to us and we are then able to receive from ourselves.

Through this process of staying with ourselves and receiving, there is a quality of growth that happens and then we question again “Do I want him/her back?”

The answer may change or remain or evolve and often, if we do meet again as lovers, there is a different quality of meeting and relating, for now , a new set of dynamics is in operation supporting us for higher levels and higher heights.”

Love from my heart to yours

Love from my womb to you

Love from body to yours

Love from my nervous system to yours

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